We did it again! :)

So excited to announce that we are expecting Baby Colombo#3 this December. Avery is thrilled that she is going to be a big sister again! I started feeling a bit apprehensive at first....HOW am I going to manage 3 kids under 5 and graduate school? Simply put, we will find a way. As much as I worry, this is likely my last pregnancy, so I am going to relax and enjoy it! We get to see our bean on Tuesday...can't wait to see that beautiful heartbeat!

Make a pregnancy ticker

You really would think I would be used to this by now.....

If there is one thing that being a parent and struggling with infertility would teach me is patience. You wait for everything in both categories. With children, you wait for them to eat, wait for them to poop, wait for them to finish putting their shoes on so we can go outside, wait for their temper tantrums to subside, wait for their tears to stop as you comfort whatever ails them; the list goes on. With infertility, you wait for appointments, doctors, test results, medications; you name it, you wait for it. So you would think with all this waiting that I would be a super-patient person, right? With my girls, I find that patience is an ever-renewable source. Even in the worst of moods, one of them with say or do something that will crack me up and certainly require a kiss or hug at the very least. My patience with this whole infertility thing, however...well, let's just say that we really are not on good terms. I got what I thought was a positive OPK two days ago. I bought the more expensive, digital, reputable brand only to find out that several tests in the box were duds. This led me straight to the doctor's office where I now have to go in EVERY SINGLE DAY for bloodwork to see where my LH levels were at. Yesterday they were 11.6, progesterone was less than 1 (which is good, it means I haven't ovulated yet). Today progesterone was 8. I know that LH fluctuates, but my CD 12 ultrasound showed four promising follicles, 2 which were likely to actually become a "good" follicle. So this means that I have not yet reached my LH surge, so ovulation is still in the future by a few days.

Here we go again... :)

I can't believe how long it has been since I've been away from this blog. I guess chasing after two children will do that to you! A lot has changed since then and for the better. After experiencing a "missed miscarriage" a week ago, I have since started my cycle. Hubby and I had a long, long talk and have decided that we are once again going to go the fertility route. I feel guilty sometimes (again) wanting another child, and I think sometimes people think we are crazy. I honestly feel in my heart that I was meant to have a big family. My love for children has doubled since welcoming Sophia into the world. I met with our fertility doctor yesterday. Since I was on cycle day 2, we are able to get the ball rolling immediately. I have been prescribed the same medication as I had when we got pregnant with Sophia, because we know it works. Also found out that I have lost over 25lbs since I saw them 2 years ago. We are starting this process again, but much less stressed because we know what the problem is and how to combat it. Two interesting coincidences: 1) If we get pregnant this cycle, the baby would be due on our anniversary and also make the birthdays in my family go in a row. Me-Jan, Hub-Feb, Avery-March, Sophia-April, new baby-May 2) As I was sitting in the office yesterday, the nurse told me that it wasn't coincidence that I was here on this day. I asked her why and she replied, "Well, dearie. Two years ago today you called us with the results of your positive pregnancy test." Coincidence? I think not :)

27 weeks pregnant

I can't believe we are going to meet your sweet face in just 13 weeks, give or take. I have started getting stacks of clothes together for you. As I was folding some of your sister's baby clothes that you will be wearing, your Daddy and I reminisced about how tiny she used to be. I can't wait until you are in my arms.
Your cousin was born almost two weeks ago. You and Adam will be a short 3 months and a few days apart. You are going to have so much fun.
Keep baking in there, my sweet Sophia. We will see you soon.

Love,
Mommy

19 weeks pregnant

Wow, Peanut, you are really having a party in there tonight! We found out today that you are a perfect little girl. We are so excited to introduce you to the family. Your big sister carried around the outfit we bought you today. She is so excited that she is going to have a sister. I know you two are going to have tons of fun.
The best news yet came at 4:30 when we got the results of the full integrated screen. 100% normal with no chromosomal defects. I can't wait to kiss your perfect little face and count all ten toes and fingers.

13 weeks 4 days pregnant

I am finally feeling pregnant. My belly is slightly rounder, and I have begen to feel the first flutters of life. I thought it was too early for this, but my doc said that if it feels like the baby, it is the baby. Apparantly, my uterus remember how to be pregnant.
We find out in 3 1/2 weeks what we are having! I am so excited, and feeling just a little bit guilty. By the time I was 8 weeks pregnant with Avery, she already had outfits, stuffed animals, toys and book. To date, Peanut has, nothing. I don't know if I haven't bought anything because I'm afraid that if I do, something will happen, and then I will have to look at that item and remember. This may be an irrational fear to some, but to those of us who have struggled with infertility know not to take one single day, minute, or second for granted.
After Matt left for work this morning around 6, I flipped over to my left side to get more comfortable, and there it was. The little-goldfish-swimming-around-in-my-tummy feeling. Eyes closed, I smiled and savored the moment.

10 weeks, 2 days pregnant

Well, Baby Bean, you gave us a scare on Sunday night. I was so overwhelmed at the thought that we were losing you, that when I finally looked up at the ultrasound, my mouth hanging open, I had no words. I just looked. I saw your tiny beating heart, watching as you waved your arms and legs in protest of being woken up so late at night.
As I sat in the hospital after all the tests were done, waiting for the ultrasound results to come back, my mind was racing. It didn't matter that it was 2 in the morning. All that mattered was that you were okay, and you were growing big and strong. When the doctor finally came back with the results, I breathed a hesitant sigh of relief. Though the diagnoses was "threatened miscarriage," the doctor told me that, though she wasn't supposed to say things like this, she really did not believe that was going to happen. There was a tiny bit of blood pooling on the placenta, which can be a normal thing. As this pregnancy progresses, it should go away, God willing. My hormones levels were really high, you were measuring right on to the day with your growth and you were moving around.
As I was getting dressed to go home, I thanked God that there was a positive outcome that day. As each day progresses, and I am still pregnant, I relax a little more. In reality, I know that we aren't out of the woods yet, though I try not to think about that.
We love you, Baby Bean. Please stick. Please stay. Please, please, please.

7 weeks 3 days pregnant

Things are going well. I'm still having morning sickness. Actually, I can't even call it that; it's more like all-day sickness. I usually feel pretty good in the morning, then after I eat, I feel gross. Sometimes all I eat for dinner is saltine crackers and a tiny Coke to wash them down because the thought of cooking, much less eating, has me feeling awful.
I am starting to have some strage cravings though. Yesterday, I wanted Concord grapes BAD. The thought of them was making me salivate. So I went to Meijers, picked some up and I seriously can't get enough of them! Also, Kraft singles on wheat toast has become my best friend. I'm doing really well on my water intake. I have a 32oz Rubbermaid bottle that I probably refill 3 to 4 times a day, or more depending on the day's activites. Once I start to feel a little better, I will be incorporating more exercise into my routine. Avery and I go for a walk every morning and I plan to start swimming soon as well.
We got to see the heartbeat on Aug 31st. The baby looked great and was measuring right on target. The heartrate was 136, which I thought was low, but the doctor said that it gets higher by 10 weeks then stays steady. Shouldn't I remember this stuff from Avery?! So far, so good, my little bean!

6 weeks pregnant

I am feeling icky, which is a good thing, so I will say "yay!" We go for our first ultrasound a week from today. I am hoping and praying, Baby Bean, that you are safe and sound and right where you need to be.
Daddy and I have been talking about names for you. I know it's a bit early, but if you are a girl, we like Kennedy, Amelia, Ella, and Gillian. If you are a boy, we like Cole, Gavin, and Matthew. We can't wait to see you in a week, little baby. Mommy has been having a bit of cramping, but has been assured by her very competent doctor that all is well.

5 weeks 1 day pregnant

Dear Baby Bean,

I wanted to write this note to you so that someday, you can look back and know how much you are wanted. Though you are still so very small, you are so very loved. I hope to someday be able to tell you what it took to get to where we are. We went through so much, lots of tears, heartache, disappointment, and then, finally, the two beautiful pink lines. I took 12 more pregnancy tests the week and a half following our first positive because I was so sure that it was going to be wrong. But it wasn't.
I dream about you every night, and wake up smiling every day. You are going to have an amazing family and I can't wait to introduce you to everyone. Daddy is the strongest, most beautiful person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. You will learn so much from him. He will teach you so much, from how to build things, to how to become a smart, happy person. Your big sister is already talking about you. She often will come up to my stomach and put her head on it. Even though she can't feel you yet, she is awaiting your arrival. She is going to be the best big sister ever. She has a big, generous heart and I'm sure will share everything she has with you. It's just her nature. You also have two sets of grandparents who can't wait to meet you, as well, as aunts, uncles and cousins.
My dear baby, I love you so much. We all do. Your only job now is to grow big and strong. I promise to help you stay protected and promise to cherish and love you for the rest of my days.

Love always and forever,
Your Mommy

And as luck would have it....

....The nurse called just as I was finished with this post. My 12 dpo draw was 44, and my 14 dpo draw was 103!!!! That means it went up 143%! SOOOOOOO excited and now I feel like I can relax a bit.

The panic attack sets in...

I had my second beta draw this morning. My first draw was Monday morning. I got the results at 11:55a.m. I know I did, because I checked my phone. So here it is, 12:21 p.m. and I'm still waiting. I know it's ridiculous, but once I get those numbers back, I will seriously feel so much better. I will finally "feel" pregnant, despite the occasional nausea and sore boobies.
I just want the phone call either way. If the numbers go down, and the pregnancy is not viable, I will deal and move on. If the numbers go up, I will silently celebrate this victory and move on obsessing about the next thing.
Oh, yeah. I also took another pregnancy test this morning. It was glowing! I really should check myself into pee-on-a-stick-aholics-annonymous.

I am STILL testing!!!

What the heck is wrong with me? I should be enjoying this, but I'm scared. This morning, with Avery in tow, I scanned the shelves of the Meijer personal product aisle, looking for less sensitive pregnancy test products. I found two, purchased them and came home. Less than one minute after taking each test, I am still pregnant. I am repeating to myself over and over "I am pregnant, and this will be a safe, healthy pregnancy." I will keep repeating this mantra until I believe it and it sticks. I am also praying for some strength to get through the fogginess that is the first trimester.

.....And I cried and cried. Yesterday, I received a light positive on a regular test and a "Not Pregnant" on this test. This afternoon, not using first morning urine, I received this beautiful message from the second stick in the box. This means that the amount of hcG in my body is increasing to support a pregnancy. Someday, I will show this little bean all that we went through to get him or her here.

I am still on pins and needles until I am in the clear because we are really very early pregnant. Only just 4 weeks. At this stage in the game, so much can go wrong, and unfortunately, I am more worried this time around because we have had so much disappointment in the past. I am trying to stay positive, eating healthy and still working out, although taking it a bit more easy; no weight-lifting. I have a beta blood draw Monday morning and will know my numbers by that afternoon. Here's to praying for high numbers!

I tested today...

...And got a positive pregnancy test. I am scared and hoping that I didn't just tell my family all just to "untell" them later. For those of you who know me in real life or on Facebook, please keep this to yourself. We are not totally ready to share with everyone yet. I'm hoping this little bean sticks.

I am obsessing, and really trying hard not to show it

...But I am. I am currently 8 days past ovulation and all I want to do is pee on a stick and see the big fat positive. It is driving me crazy. I am dreaming up symptoms to make myself feel better. I am tired and the girls hurt. But do they really, or am I just hoping they are. I remember when I was pregnant early on with Avery, I couldn't even lay on my stomach because they hurt so bad. Seriously, who wishes for these things? I am tired, yes, but I also have a VERY active two-year old who I am constantly chasing around. I'm willing to bet that the toddler is the more likely culprit for my tiredness than a little bean.
I remain hopeful, of course, but I don't want to get too hopeful in case this cycle was a bust also. I have conversations in my head with myself about how to react if I see a negative. I remain the eternal optimist, thinking, well, maybe it's just to early to tell, right? I think I'm crazy. Really. Why don't they have a course on how painful, trying, and utterly ridiculous you will become when you are trying to have a baby unsuccessfully. The most important thing to me, is making sure that neither Matt nor Avery get overshadowed in this process. Even on my worst days, I am thankful when I wake up and each of them is snoring next to me. I secretly love it when Avery climbs into bed with us, even though she flops around like a fish out of water and one of us ends up with feet in the ribs, or even, on occasion, the nose. I will complain to anyone who will listen that I never get a good night's sleep because she ends up in bed with us in the early morning hours. I'm pretty sure that it falls on deaf ears.
So anyway, how to wait out the next two days before the first testing date. Clean, do laundry, take Avery to the park, work out, work on house projects, pretty much anything to keep my mind in the here and now.

Got follicles?!

Because I do!!! My mid-cycle ultrasound this morning showed excellent growth on the Femara. I have two follicles ready to mature. I took my Ovidrel shot this morning, and the the baby dancing begins.
Really, I know this does not guarantee a pregnancy, but the odds are in our favor. I'm just glad that I finally responded to SOMETHING, for crying out loud! It just feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am very peaceful today.

Still no positive ovulation test

....I know it's still early, cycle day 10, to be exact, but I am already worried. I know that they give me until day 16 for a positive, but come on already! Haven't we waited long enough? I don't pray every day for a baby. I pray every day that God will do as he sees fit. (I just really hope another baby fits in there somewhere in our plans.) Once we actually conceive, this will be the last baby until I am done with nursing school. Hubby says that after that, we can have as many as we want! I really hope so. I've always envisoned myself with a large family. Not like the Duggars, or Octo-Mom, but I would really like 4 kids.
On to other exciting news....Avery has learned her ABCs! At 2 years and 4 months, my genius baby has learned them all. She can also point out the specific letters on a piece of paper, as has all her shapes and colors down. On top of that, she has been able to count to 30 for some time now, so I guess we have to work up to 40 now. I am doing this in preparation for preschool next year. I know they don't have to know this stuff until Kindergarten, but I still want to give her the best start possible. If that means if I have to set aside other things like laundry, housework, or those few rare moments I get to myself, so be it. I am determined to make sure she is exposed to as many opportunities, moments, and people as possible, but still let her be a kid.
God, I love her. And I love my husband more for giving her to me.

And the cycle begins....

Well, I finished my last dose of Femara two days ago. Now, I am just testing like a mad fool to get an positive ovulation test. I already have a mid-cycle ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday, July 28th. That would be day 16 for me. I'm really hoping this works. It's really hard to be constantly surrounded by pregnant people. Really.
I keep having dreams about having a baby too. Just trying to keep things in check so that I don't drive myself crazy!