Monday, November 23, 2009

19 weeks pregnant

Wow, Peanut, you are really having a party in there tonight! We found out today that you are a perfect little girl. We are so excited to introduce you to the family. Your big sister carried around the outfit we bought you today. She is so excited that she is going to have a sister. I know you two are going to have tons of fun.
The best news yet came at 4:30 when we got the results of the full integrated screen. 100% normal with no chromosomal defects. I can't wait to kiss your perfect little face and count all ten toes and fingers.

Friday, October 16, 2009

13 weeks 4 days pregnant

I am finally feeling pregnant. My belly is slightly rounder, and I have begen to feel the first flutters of life. I thought it was too early for this, but my doc said that if it feels like the baby, it is the baby. Apparantly, my uterus remember how to be pregnant.
We find out in 3 1/2 weeks what we are having! I am so excited, and feeling just a little bit guilty. By the time I was 8 weeks pregnant with Avery, she already had outfits, stuffed animals, toys and book. To date, Peanut has, nothing. I don't know if I haven't bought anything because I'm afraid that if I do, something will happen, and then I will have to look at that item and remember. This may be an irrational fear to some, but to those of us who have struggled with infertility know not to take one single day, minute, or second for granted.
After Matt left for work this morning around 6, I flipped over to my left side to get more comfortable, and there it was. The little-goldfish-swimming-around-in-my-tummy feeling. Eyes closed, I smiled and savored the moment.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

10 weeks, 2 days pregnant

Well, Baby Bean, you gave us a scare on Sunday night. I was so overwhelmed at the thought that we were losing you, that when I finally looked up at the ultrasound, my mouth hanging open, I had no words. I just looked. I saw your tiny beating heart, watching as you waved your arms and legs in protest of being woken up so late at night.
As I sat in the hospital after all the tests were done, waiting for the ultrasound results to come back, my mind was racing. It didn't matter that it was 2 in the morning. All that mattered was that you were okay, and you were growing big and strong. When the doctor finally came back with the results, I breathed a hesitant sigh of relief. Though the diagnoses was "threatened miscarriage," the doctor told me that, though she wasn't supposed to say things like this, she really did not believe that was going to happen. There was a tiny bit of blood pooling on the placenta, which can be a normal thing. As this pregnancy progresses, it should go away, God willing. My hormones levels were really high, you were measuring right on to the day with your growth and you were moving around.
As I was getting dressed to go home, I thanked God that there was a positive outcome that day. As each day progresses, and I am still pregnant, I relax a little more. In reality, I know that we aren't out of the woods yet, though I try not to think about that.
We love you, Baby Bean. Please stick. Please stay. Please, please, please.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

7 weeks 3 days pregnant

Things are going well. I'm still having morning sickness. Actually, I can't even call it that; it's more like all-day sickness. I usually feel pretty good in the morning, then after I eat, I feel gross. Sometimes all I eat for dinner is saltine crackers and a tiny Coke to wash them down because the thought of cooking, much less eating, has me feeling awful.
I am starting to have some strage cravings though. Yesterday, I wanted Concord grapes BAD. The thought of them was making me salivate. So I went to Meijers, picked some up and I seriously can't get enough of them! Also, Kraft singles on wheat toast has become my best friend. I'm doing really well on my water intake. I have a 32oz Rubbermaid bottle that I probably refill 3 to 4 times a day, or more depending on the day's activites. Once I start to feel a little better, I will be incorporating more exercise into my routine. Avery and I go for a walk every morning and I plan to start swimming soon as well.
We got to see the heartbeat on Aug 31st. The baby looked great and was measuring right on target. The heartrate was 136, which I thought was low, but the doctor said that it gets higher by 10 weeks then stays steady. Shouldn't I remember this stuff from Avery?! So far, so good, my little bean!

Monday, August 24, 2009

6 weeks pregnant

I am feeling icky, which is a good thing, so I will say "yay!" We go for our first ultrasound a week from today. I am hoping and praying, Baby Bean, that you are safe and sound and right where you need to be.
Daddy and I have been talking about names for you. I know it's a bit early, but if you are a girl, we like Kennedy, Amelia, Ella, and Gillian. If you are a boy, we like Cole, Gavin, and Matthew. We can't wait to see you in a week, little baby. Mommy has been having a bit of cramping, but has been assured by her very competent doctor that all is well.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

5 weeks 1 day pregnant

Dear Baby Bean,

I wanted to write this note to you so that someday, you can look back and know how much you are wanted. Though you are still so very small, you are so very loved. I hope to someday be able to tell you what it took to get to where we are. We went through so much, lots of tears, heartache, disappointment, and then, finally, the two beautiful pink lines. I took 12 more pregnancy tests the week and a half following our first positive because I was so sure that it was going to be wrong. But it wasn't.
I dream about you every night, and wake up smiling every day. You are going to have an amazing family and I can't wait to introduce you to everyone. Daddy is the strongest, most beautiful person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. You will learn so much from him. He will teach you so much, from how to build things, to how to become a smart, happy person. Your big sister is already talking about you. She often will come up to my stomach and put her head on it. Even though she can't feel you yet, she is awaiting your arrival. She is going to be the best big sister ever. She has a big, generous heart and I'm sure will share everything she has with you. It's just her nature. You also have two sets of grandparents who can't wait to meet you, as well, as aunts, uncles and cousins.
My dear baby, I love you so much. We all do. Your only job now is to grow big and strong. I promise to help you stay protected and promise to cherish and love you for the rest of my days.

Love always and forever,
Your Mommy

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

And as luck would have it....

....The nurse called just as I was finished with this post. My 12 dpo draw was 44, and my 14 dpo draw was 103!!!! That means it went up 143%! SOOOOOOO excited and now I feel like I can relax a bit.

The panic attack sets in...

I had my second beta draw this morning. My first draw was Monday morning. I got the results at 11:55a.m. I know I did, because I checked my phone. So here it is, 12:21 p.m. and I'm still waiting. I know it's ridiculous, but once I get those numbers back, I will seriously feel so much better. I will finally "feel" pregnant, despite the occasional nausea and sore boobies.
I just want the phone call either way. If the numbers go down, and the pregnancy is not viable, I will deal and move on. If the numbers go up, I will silently celebrate this victory and move on obsessing about the next thing.
Oh, yeah. I also took another pregnancy test this morning. It was glowing! I really should check myself into pee-on-a-stick-aholics-annonymous.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I am STILL testing!!!

What the heck is wrong with me? I should be enjoying this, but I'm scared. This morning, with Avery in tow, I scanned the shelves of the Meijer personal product aisle, looking for less sensitive pregnancy test products. I found two, purchased them and came home. Less than one minute after taking each test, I am still pregnant. I am repeating to myself over and over "I am pregnant, and this will be a safe, healthy pregnancy." I will keep repeating this mantra until I believe it and it sticks. I am also praying for some strength to get through the fogginess that is the first trimester.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

.....And I cried and cried. Yesterday, I received a light positive on a regular test and a "Not Pregnant" on this test. This afternoon, not using first morning urine, I received this beautiful message from the second stick in the box. This means that the amount of hcG in my body is increasing to support a pregnancy. Someday, I will show this little bean all that we went through to get him or her here.
I am still on pins and needles until I am in the clear because we are really very early pregnant. Only just 4 weeks. At this stage in the game, so much can go wrong, and unfortunately, I am more worried this time around because we have had so much disappointment in the past. I am trying to stay positive, eating healthy and still working out, although taking it a bit more easy; no weight-lifting. I have a beta blood draw Monday morning and will know my numbers by that afternoon. Here's to praying for high numbers!

Friday, August 7, 2009

I tested today...

...And got a positive pregnancy test. I am scared and hoping that I didn't just tell my family all just to "untell" them later. For those of you who know me in real life or on Facebook, please keep this to yourself. We are not totally ready to share with everyone yet. I'm hoping this little bean sticks.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I am obsessing, and really trying hard not to show it

...But I am. I am currently 8 days past ovulation and all I want to do is pee on a stick and see the big fat positive. It is driving me crazy. I am dreaming up symptoms to make myself feel better. I am tired and the girls hurt. But do they really, or am I just hoping they are. I remember when I was pregnant early on with Avery, I couldn't even lay on my stomach because they hurt so bad. Seriously, who wishes for these things? I am tired, yes, but I also have a VERY active two-year old who I am constantly chasing around. I'm willing to bet that the toddler is the more likely culprit for my tiredness than a little bean.
I remain hopeful, of course, but I don't want to get too hopeful in case this cycle was a bust also. I have conversations in my head with myself about how to react if I see a negative. I remain the eternal optimist, thinking, well, maybe it's just to early to tell, right? I think I'm crazy. Really. Why don't they have a course on how painful, trying, and utterly ridiculous you will become when you are trying to have a baby unsuccessfully. The most important thing to me, is making sure that neither Matt nor Avery get overshadowed in this process. Even on my worst days, I am thankful when I wake up and each of them is snoring next to me. I secretly love it when Avery climbs into bed with us, even though she flops around like a fish out of water and one of us ends up with feet in the ribs, or even, on occasion, the nose. I will complain to anyone who will listen that I never get a good night's sleep because she ends up in bed with us in the early morning hours. I'm pretty sure that it falls on deaf ears.
So anyway, how to wait out the next two days before the first testing date. Clean, do laundry, take Avery to the park, work out, work on house projects, pretty much anything to keep my mind in the here and now.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Got follicles?!

Because I do!!! My mid-cycle ultrasound this morning showed excellent growth on the Femara. I have two follicles ready to mature. I took my Ovidrel shot this morning, and the the baby dancing begins.
Really, I know this does not guarantee a pregnancy, but the odds are in our favor. I'm just glad that I finally responded to SOMETHING, for crying out loud! It just feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am very peaceful today.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Still no positive ovulation test

....I know it's still early, cycle day 10, to be exact, but I am already worried. I know that they give me until day 16 for a positive, but come on already! Haven't we waited long enough? I don't pray every day for a baby. I pray every day that God will do as he sees fit. (I just really hope another baby fits in there somewhere in our plans.) Once we actually conceive, this will be the last baby until I am done with nursing school. Hubby says that after that, we can have as many as we want! I really hope so. I've always envisoned myself with a large family. Not like the Duggars, or Octo-Mom, but I would really like 4 kids.
On to other exciting news....Avery has learned her ABCs! At 2 years and 4 months, my genius baby has learned them all. She can also point out the specific letters on a piece of paper, as has all her shapes and colors down. On top of that, she has been able to count to 30 for some time now, so I guess we have to work up to 40 now. I am doing this in preparation for preschool next year. I know they don't have to know this stuff until Kindergarten, but I still want to give her the best start possible. If that means if I have to set aside other things like laundry, housework, or those few rare moments I get to myself, so be it. I am determined to make sure she is exposed to as many opportunities, moments, and people as possible, but still let her be a kid.
God, I love her. And I love my husband more for giving her to me.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

And the cycle begins....

Well, I finished my last dose of Femara two days ago. Now, I am just testing like a mad fool to get an positive ovulation test. I already have a mid-cycle ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday, July 28th. That would be day 16 for me. I'm really hoping this works. It's really hard to be constantly surrounded by pregnant people. Really.
I keep having dreams about having a baby too. Just trying to keep things in check so that I don't drive myself crazy!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Another fertility appointment

So last Tuesday morning, I had a follow-up appointment with our RE. He sat me down and flat out told me that the Clomid was not working and we would have to pursue some more aggressive options.
He also said that after looking at my scans, I definitely have poly-cystic ovaries. I had 12 follicles in all, but they were only 6 to 8mm in size, when they need to be 18-20mm to have the trigger shot. So he did a quick pelvic scan to make sure that my ovaries weren't about to have OHSS, (which they weren't, thank goodness), and then wrote out a detailed plan. To start with, he upped my Metformin to 1500mg/day from 1000mg. Then he wrote out a prescription for Femara. I take it 3 times a day on cycle days 3-7. We test for ovulation, go do a scan if I get a positive, then get the trigger shot. I'm praying this cycle works. Although, I am surprising myself by not getting so upset each time. I think it's because I got really into this semester at school, plus Avery is way more active and just a ton of fun at almost 2 1/2.
Soooo, this is where we are. Just waiting for Aunt Flo to show up so that we can get this show on the road!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Sleepy baby

Man, that little girl has some energy. I wish I could take whatever she's running on and bottle it. I'd make a fortune! She doesn't really walk anywhere. She runs. And in circles if you let her, before she gets dizzy and falls down.
She didn't nap today. Naps are becoming fewer and farther in between, which is bittersweet for me. Bitter because I use that time to get some homework, housework, or a few minutes to breathe; sweet because I get that much more time with her. We got a lot done today. Picked up the house this morning, went to Lakeside Mall, came home, went grocery shopping, and then spent a good portion of the evening splashing around in her new swimming pool. Because of all of the busy events, dinner ended up being a little late, and she was conked out on her chair after only taking a few bites. I just walked in to check on her in her bed, and she's still in the same position she was in when I put her in there. Arms thrown back behind her head, and her mouth slightly open. She looks like her daddy when she sleeps. So sweet.
I am ready for bed now. I think I may be coming down with something. My throat started to hurt today and is starting to get scratchy. That's usually a sure sign that I'm about to get hit with something. I don't get sick very often, but when I do, it hits me hard.
Yawn. More exciting blogs to come later. Night all.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The guilt of secondary infertility

I am a wife, a mother, and a full-time student, accepted to enter the nursing program at one of the best nursing schools in the state in the Fall of 2010. But I have a problem.

I am really struggling with this whole secondary infertility issue. Each day it feels like it gets a little harder to breathe, and the times that we get bad news just makes it worse. I'm afraid that people will think I'm greedy, or that I should be thankful that I have a happy, healthy, almost-two-and-a-half-year-old. Well, I am. I thank God every day when I wake up that He let me have another day with her. She is amazing. She has my heart forever and I would walk across fire if it meant she could always be happy and healthy for the rest of her life.

But I want another baby. I feel like there is something missing in our family; better, someONE missing in our family. I love my husband with all of my heart, and when Avery was born, I thought my world was complete. But I am ready for another baby. Since we started trying 19 cycles ago, each month that I got a negative test got harder and harder to bear, until I stopped taking pregancy tests because I couldn't deal with seeing the "Big Fat Negative."

This was our 5th round of Clomid. We had our mid-cycle scan last Wednesday, but I just knew there was going to be bad news. Sure enough, the follicles that should be at 18-20mm in size for that day in a particular cycle were only at 6-8mm. My heart sank. At that point, no medication in the world was going to make me ovulate in time for this cycle. Another month gone before it even started. All along, I had a feeling that the Clomid wasn't working, but they still wanted me on it anyway. When I would do each cycle, I had a progesterone draw on day 21 to see if my levels would support a pregnancy. Where they should at least be above 10, but ideally up to 25, my came back at 0.1, 0.7, 1, and 1.1, which lead my doctors to believe that I wasn't ovulating.

As I left the Fertility Specialist's office, I realized that my daughter would at least be over 3 now before she had a sibling, if at all. Though I'm sure she doesn't mind keeping us all to herself, I really want her to have a brother or sister. I couldn't imagine not having my sisters in my life, even though they drive me crazy sometimes, and I'm sure vice-versa.I find that I'm also getting frustrated with how people, especially my family, reacts when I tell them the disheartening news of each failed attempt. I guess it's hard to understand unless you've been through it. To know that there is something wrong with your body that is preventing you from doing something that you so easily acheived 3 years ago, is mind-boggling. What happened?! I got pregnant on birth control with Avery. The irony is almost laughable.

I guess from here we leave it up to the Big Man. Somehow, I haven't lost my faith in all of this. I really don't know how that happened, but it did. I think it actually renewed it, really. I am surrounded by pregnant people at the moment, and I keep thinking to myself that if God gave them another baby, surely He hasn't forgot about us, right? Maybe our stork got lost. In that case, I'd be happy to give him a GPS, so that this kind of thing never happened again.

So how is all of this affecting my marriage? It is and it isn't. What I mean by that is, I have an incredibly supportive, loving husband, who can't stand to see my cry. Unfortunately, that's what I've been doing since we were diagnosed with secondary infertility. Each time some test I had been subjected to came back with unexpected results, it got a little harder to deal with. Sometimes, I would just want to be left alone. Obviously that doesn't happen with a toddler, and a husband who won't leave you alone because he wants to make sure you're okay, and can he get you anything in the meantime? Sometimes I worry that I leave his feelings out in all of this. We have a pretty open line of communication, and I share all the nitty gritty details with him, because, honestly, there isn't much we don't talk about. He likes to be able to talk things through and find a solution to things right away. I would rather steep for a bit, then decide what we are going to do. I wish I could be more like him sometimes.

I created this blog to give me an outlet. Maybe sharing my feelings with my laptop will help me put things into perspective. I don't necessarily want advice; I just want to unload.This blog offers me the opportunity to do just that.