6 weeks pregnant

I am feeling icky, which is a good thing, so I will say "yay!" We go for our first ultrasound a week from today. I am hoping and praying, Baby Bean, that you are safe and sound and right where you need to be.
Daddy and I have been talking about names for you. I know it's a bit early, but if you are a girl, we like Kennedy, Amelia, Ella, and Gillian. If you are a boy, we like Cole, Gavin, and Matthew. We can't wait to see you in a week, little baby. Mommy has been having a bit of cramping, but has been assured by her very competent doctor that all is well.

5 weeks 1 day pregnant

Dear Baby Bean,

I wanted to write this note to you so that someday, you can look back and know how much you are wanted. Though you are still so very small, you are so very loved. I hope to someday be able to tell you what it took to get to where we are. We went through so much, lots of tears, heartache, disappointment, and then, finally, the two beautiful pink lines. I took 12 more pregnancy tests the week and a half following our first positive because I was so sure that it was going to be wrong. But it wasn't.
I dream about you every night, and wake up smiling every day. You are going to have an amazing family and I can't wait to introduce you to everyone. Daddy is the strongest, most beautiful person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. You will learn so much from him. He will teach you so much, from how to build things, to how to become a smart, happy person. Your big sister is already talking about you. She often will come up to my stomach and put her head on it. Even though she can't feel you yet, she is awaiting your arrival. She is going to be the best big sister ever. She has a big, generous heart and I'm sure will share everything she has with you. It's just her nature. You also have two sets of grandparents who can't wait to meet you, as well, as aunts, uncles and cousins.
My dear baby, I love you so much. We all do. Your only job now is to grow big and strong. I promise to help you stay protected and promise to cherish and love you for the rest of my days.

Love always and forever,
Your Mommy

And as luck would have it....

....The nurse called just as I was finished with this post. My 12 dpo draw was 44, and my 14 dpo draw was 103!!!! That means it went up 143%! SOOOOOOO excited and now I feel like I can relax a bit.

The panic attack sets in...

I had my second beta draw this morning. My first draw was Monday morning. I got the results at 11:55a.m. I know I did, because I checked my phone. So here it is, 12:21 p.m. and I'm still waiting. I know it's ridiculous, but once I get those numbers back, I will seriously feel so much better. I will finally "feel" pregnant, despite the occasional nausea and sore boobies.
I just want the phone call either way. If the numbers go down, and the pregnancy is not viable, I will deal and move on. If the numbers go up, I will silently celebrate this victory and move on obsessing about the next thing.
Oh, yeah. I also took another pregnancy test this morning. It was glowing! I really should check myself into pee-on-a-stick-aholics-annonymous.

I am STILL testing!!!

What the heck is wrong with me? I should be enjoying this, but I'm scared. This morning, with Avery in tow, I scanned the shelves of the Meijer personal product aisle, looking for less sensitive pregnancy test products. I found two, purchased them and came home. Less than one minute after taking each test, I am still pregnant. I am repeating to myself over and over "I am pregnant, and this will be a safe, healthy pregnancy." I will keep repeating this mantra until I believe it and it sticks. I am also praying for some strength to get through the fogginess that is the first trimester.

.....And I cried and cried. Yesterday, I received a light positive on a regular test and a "Not Pregnant" on this test. This afternoon, not using first morning urine, I received this beautiful message from the second stick in the box. This means that the amount of hcG in my body is increasing to support a pregnancy. Someday, I will show this little bean all that we went through to get him or her here.

I am still on pins and needles until I am in the clear because we are really very early pregnant. Only just 4 weeks. At this stage in the game, so much can go wrong, and unfortunately, I am more worried this time around because we have had so much disappointment in the past. I am trying to stay positive, eating healthy and still working out, although taking it a bit more easy; no weight-lifting. I have a beta blood draw Monday morning and will know my numbers by that afternoon. Here's to praying for high numbers!

I tested today...

...And got a positive pregnancy test. I am scared and hoping that I didn't just tell my family all just to "untell" them later. For those of you who know me in real life or on Facebook, please keep this to yourself. We are not totally ready to share with everyone yet. I'm hoping this little bean sticks.

I am obsessing, and really trying hard not to show it

...But I am. I am currently 8 days past ovulation and all I want to do is pee on a stick and see the big fat positive. It is driving me crazy. I am dreaming up symptoms to make myself feel better. I am tired and the girls hurt. But do they really, or am I just hoping they are. I remember when I was pregnant early on with Avery, I couldn't even lay on my stomach because they hurt so bad. Seriously, who wishes for these things? I am tired, yes, but I also have a VERY active two-year old who I am constantly chasing around. I'm willing to bet that the toddler is the more likely culprit for my tiredness than a little bean.
I remain hopeful, of course, but I don't want to get too hopeful in case this cycle was a bust also. I have conversations in my head with myself about how to react if I see a negative. I remain the eternal optimist, thinking, well, maybe it's just to early to tell, right? I think I'm crazy. Really. Why don't they have a course on how painful, trying, and utterly ridiculous you will become when you are trying to have a baby unsuccessfully. The most important thing to me, is making sure that neither Matt nor Avery get overshadowed in this process. Even on my worst days, I am thankful when I wake up and each of them is snoring next to me. I secretly love it when Avery climbs into bed with us, even though she flops around like a fish out of water and one of us ends up with feet in the ribs, or even, on occasion, the nose. I will complain to anyone who will listen that I never get a good night's sleep because she ends up in bed with us in the early morning hours. I'm pretty sure that it falls on deaf ears.
So anyway, how to wait out the next two days before the first testing date. Clean, do laundry, take Avery to the park, work out, work on house projects, pretty much anything to keep my mind in the here and now.