Thursday, August 6, 2009

I am obsessing, and really trying hard not to show it

...But I am. I am currently 8 days past ovulation and all I want to do is pee on a stick and see the big fat positive. It is driving me crazy. I am dreaming up symptoms to make myself feel better. I am tired and the girls hurt. But do they really, or am I just hoping they are. I remember when I was pregnant early on with Avery, I couldn't even lay on my stomach because they hurt so bad. Seriously, who wishes for these things? I am tired, yes, but I also have a VERY active two-year old who I am constantly chasing around. I'm willing to bet that the toddler is the more likely culprit for my tiredness than a little bean.
I remain hopeful, of course, but I don't want to get too hopeful in case this cycle was a bust also. I have conversations in my head with myself about how to react if I see a negative. I remain the eternal optimist, thinking, well, maybe it's just to early to tell, right? I think I'm crazy. Really. Why don't they have a course on how painful, trying, and utterly ridiculous you will become when you are trying to have a baby unsuccessfully. The most important thing to me, is making sure that neither Matt nor Avery get overshadowed in this process. Even on my worst days, I am thankful when I wake up and each of them is snoring next to me. I secretly love it when Avery climbs into bed with us, even though she flops around like a fish out of water and one of us ends up with feet in the ribs, or even, on occasion, the nose. I will complain to anyone who will listen that I never get a good night's sleep because she ends up in bed with us in the early morning hours. I'm pretty sure that it falls on deaf ears.
So anyway, how to wait out the next two days before the first testing date. Clean, do laundry, take Avery to the park, work out, work on house projects, pretty much anything to keep my mind in the here and now.

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