10 weeks, 2 days pregnant

Well, Baby Bean, you gave us a scare on Sunday night. I was so overwhelmed at the thought that we were losing you, that when I finally looked up at the ultrasound, my mouth hanging open, I had no words. I just looked. I saw your tiny beating heart, watching as you waved your arms and legs in protest of being woken up so late at night.
As I sat in the hospital after all the tests were done, waiting for the ultrasound results to come back, my mind was racing. It didn't matter that it was 2 in the morning. All that mattered was that you were okay, and you were growing big and strong. When the doctor finally came back with the results, I breathed a hesitant sigh of relief. Though the diagnoses was "threatened miscarriage," the doctor told me that, though she wasn't supposed to say things like this, she really did not believe that was going to happen. There was a tiny bit of blood pooling on the placenta, which can be a normal thing. As this pregnancy progresses, it should go away, God willing. My hormones levels were really high, you were measuring right on to the day with your growth and you were moving around.
As I was getting dressed to go home, I thanked God that there was a positive outcome that day. As each day progresses, and I am still pregnant, I relax a little more. In reality, I know that we aren't out of the woods yet, though I try not to think about that.
We love you, Baby Bean. Please stick. Please stay. Please, please, please.

7 weeks 3 days pregnant

Things are going well. I'm still having morning sickness. Actually, I can't even call it that; it's more like all-day sickness. I usually feel pretty good in the morning, then after I eat, I feel gross. Sometimes all I eat for dinner is saltine crackers and a tiny Coke to wash them down because the thought of cooking, much less eating, has me feeling awful.
I am starting to have some strage cravings though. Yesterday, I wanted Concord grapes BAD. The thought of them was making me salivate. So I went to Meijers, picked some up and I seriously can't get enough of them! Also, Kraft singles on wheat toast has become my best friend. I'm doing really well on my water intake. I have a 32oz Rubbermaid bottle that I probably refill 3 to 4 times a day, or more depending on the day's activites. Once I start to feel a little better, I will be incorporating more exercise into my routine. Avery and I go for a walk every morning and I plan to start swimming soon as well.
We got to see the heartbeat on Aug 31st. The baby looked great and was measuring right on target. The heartrate was 136, which I thought was low, but the doctor said that it gets higher by 10 weeks then stays steady. Shouldn't I remember this stuff from Avery?! So far, so good, my little bean!

6 weeks pregnant

I am feeling icky, which is a good thing, so I will say "yay!" We go for our first ultrasound a week from today. I am hoping and praying, Baby Bean, that you are safe and sound and right where you need to be.
Daddy and I have been talking about names for you. I know it's a bit early, but if you are a girl, we like Kennedy, Amelia, Ella, and Gillian. If you are a boy, we like Cole, Gavin, and Matthew. We can't wait to see you in a week, little baby. Mommy has been having a bit of cramping, but has been assured by her very competent doctor that all is well.

5 weeks 1 day pregnant

Dear Baby Bean,

I wanted to write this note to you so that someday, you can look back and know how much you are wanted. Though you are still so very small, you are so very loved. I hope to someday be able to tell you what it took to get to where we are. We went through so much, lots of tears, heartache, disappointment, and then, finally, the two beautiful pink lines. I took 12 more pregnancy tests the week and a half following our first positive because I was so sure that it was going to be wrong. But it wasn't.
I dream about you every night, and wake up smiling every day. You are going to have an amazing family and I can't wait to introduce you to everyone. Daddy is the strongest, most beautiful person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. You will learn so much from him. He will teach you so much, from how to build things, to how to become a smart, happy person. Your big sister is already talking about you. She often will come up to my stomach and put her head on it. Even though she can't feel you yet, she is awaiting your arrival. She is going to be the best big sister ever. She has a big, generous heart and I'm sure will share everything she has with you. It's just her nature. You also have two sets of grandparents who can't wait to meet you, as well, as aunts, uncles and cousins.
My dear baby, I love you so much. We all do. Your only job now is to grow big and strong. I promise to help you stay protected and promise to cherish and love you for the rest of my days.

Love always and forever,
Your Mommy

And as luck would have it....

....The nurse called just as I was finished with this post. My 12 dpo draw was 44, and my 14 dpo draw was 103!!!! That means it went up 143%! SOOOOOOO excited and now I feel like I can relax a bit.

The panic attack sets in...

I had my second beta draw this morning. My first draw was Monday morning. I got the results at 11:55a.m. I know I did, because I checked my phone. So here it is, 12:21 p.m. and I'm still waiting. I know it's ridiculous, but once I get those numbers back, I will seriously feel so much better. I will finally "feel" pregnant, despite the occasional nausea and sore boobies.
I just want the phone call either way. If the numbers go down, and the pregnancy is not viable, I will deal and move on. If the numbers go up, I will silently celebrate this victory and move on obsessing about the next thing.
Oh, yeah. I also took another pregnancy test this morning. It was glowing! I really should check myself into pee-on-a-stick-aholics-annonymous.

I am STILL testing!!!

What the heck is wrong with me? I should be enjoying this, but I'm scared. This morning, with Avery in tow, I scanned the shelves of the Meijer personal product aisle, looking for less sensitive pregnancy test products. I found two, purchased them and came home. Less than one minute after taking each test, I am still pregnant. I am repeating to myself over and over "I am pregnant, and this will be a safe, healthy pregnancy." I will keep repeating this mantra until I believe it and it sticks. I am also praying for some strength to get through the fogginess that is the first trimester.